josied's Cancer Blog

December 17, 2007

In the beginning Views: 545

Breast Cancer??? Not even…...was the thought in my head. 2005 was a year full of difficult decisons. My little boy and I left CA to go to AR to be with my parents b/c my husband and I had separated. I commuted to work to Los Angeles for sometime. When my divorced was final I continued to commute, but to Atlanta. I bought a house, moved our things etc. My son was only 2 at the time of our separation, so I was very sensitive of the affects this all had on him. To say the least, I was under much stress….I had not been feeling well…just not my self and had found a good Doctor in AR. I had been to see her several times, some ER visits….when Doc suggested lets go ahead and do your 40 yr old Mammo a little early…like a month….I was in complete agreement lets go…..in no way did I even consider the idea that I had breast cancer….although, I did sense something beyond just stress was wrong with me.

In my early 30’s I had breast pain in my left breast(intense) and I saw a breast surgeon for a year. After Mammo’s, ultrasound, monthly visits, it was concluded that I had the phenomena of breast pain, which is not uncommon. When I was pregnant with my son( I did breast feed for 9 months) and the year following, the pain disappeared….around the time he turned one I started noticing the pain again. My OBGYN in CA did not find anything and neither had I. I did have many health issues that year. I would run low grade fevers out of no where, throw up, my neck would go stiff then my speaking would become challenged….and the fevers would begin etc. I was seen and tested by many Doctors and evenyually told it was thought to be a Parvo virus that many adults have, but less than 10% ever know it….and my counts where consistently high when tested for this virus. At any rate…..my Mammo’s from my early 30’s in CA were sent to the Womens center in AR and when compared there was a drastic change. My Mammo was on Dec. 7, 2005…..the call I recieved at about 4:30 on Dec. 19, 2005 from a wonderful Nurse…..whom was very reassuring. I needed to go and have a magnified view done ASAP….I had a feeling,intuitively, this was not going to go well. I remained full of hope and refused to give into the negativity. After the Magnified view the radiologist came into the room and spoke with me and explained that in his opinion the read was at a level 4 of concern which means take it to the next level…..he recommended I have an MRI of the breasts. I was in Little Rock at Baptist Hospital Dec. 23 for the MRI. My Doc was out for the holidays, but had given me the number of the Doc on call and my info was to be forwarded to him. The Doctor was very kind to me and explained again, the results were not definitive, but there was increased blood flow in the left breast. A lumpectomy was definitely necessary. Jan.3 I met with an excellent Breast Surgeon in Little Rock, I had turned 40 just days earlier.

At this point…..I DID NOT have a LUMP IN MY BREAST…I had calcifications which seemed to have a pattern….Calcifications are very common….caner(20-25%)in this form…not so much! Each Doc I saw remainded convinced that this was not cancer with my age, my overall health, family history…..the chances were so unlikely. Jan. 11, 2006 I had a needle loc lumpectomy…the lower tissue of my left breast was removed.

My Mother and I were in my bed and my Dad was in a comfie chair in my bedroom the evening of the lumpectomy. My Surgeon had told me he would call and let me know Cancer or no…but would not have the full info until a few days later. I had flown with my son to CA a few days prior to spend time with his Nanna and Papa, thank goodness. The Doctor called me and very surprisingly to he and to I, said it was Cancer. Good thing it seemed to be Non invasive! Good thing passed me right by….I thanked him and hung up the phone and kicked, screamed and of course, asked God why me??? Why Now???? My Mother was a pillar of strength , although she was in complete shock…..she and my Pops had been certain it was not cancer. My Pops was just loving and encouraging….letting me scream and cry like his baby daughter, I know he was devastated. Several days later he was sitting on my couch and it was dusky, I went in and just shook my head and layed it in his lap….and that is the only time he just cried just a bit.

All I know is we kept saying it is non invasive….this is good….but in no way could I accept or wrap my head around it…all I could think of was my little boy. My parents must have been doing the same thing about me…..for my child to be DX with cancer is unfathomable to me…. They both have said repeatedly throughout all of this….why could it not be me??

I just remember I felt so out of control. Desparate for information. I had been quite active in Breast Cancer fund raising functions…even did the 3 day Avon walk when I was a whale of 6 months pregnant….and I mean whale….slept in a tent….showered in the trucks….walked almost 20 miles every day. I felt like I knew some things about breast cancer….one thing had never really occurred to me, I could have BC without having a lump. I did monthly exams…..there was no lump…Mammograms are so very important.

The C word is truly something I had a great fear of….really, I thought about it and knew I hoped to never have Cancer….it was not something I dwelled on, but I did think about it….not certain if that is common??! After Jan. 11, 2006…...for a good month I was afraid to go to sleep, I feared I would just die in my sleep. It was a difficult time….but at some point….I stopped asking God why and said the proverbally, “well why not????”

This is when I decided to put my hand in his, to educate myself in every way possible about this disease and how to kick its butt! We started to laugh again, forget about the difficulties of the past year or so and just focused on the task at hand. A little boy who is about to turn 3 looking up at you just saying “your boobies” are sick?? Its going to be ok Mommy…...he seemed to really take up his Doctoring skills at that time….. he had a sense(he truly does talk about his senses).....he still watches and checks me with his stethoscope and recently told me soon Mommy no more Doctors you will just need me Dr. Ralei, I will take care of you. The other shoe still had to fall, but I was moving in a forward manner and had the love, prayers and support behind me. I had decided to be very open and share as much of this with whomever may wish to know in case one person may learn anything from my figt with cancer; in a group of incredible family,friends, neighbors, strangers….community…we were definitely being uplifted by the power of something I had never been so acutely aware of before in my life. This kind of support is powerful on so many levels….fists up….we never give up became our motto.

Posted on December 17, 2007 at 10:41:33 PM by josied ( Link to this post.