josied's Cancer Blog
February 14, 2008
| The happiest of Valentines day..lets all find a way there... | Views: 287 |
Valentines I have always felt is full of tooooooooooooooooooo many expectations….but looking at things a little differently these days….every day and each little holiday I am healthy and here able to be a Mother, daughter, sister and friend to so many whom have loved and supported me is incredibly special.
SO Happy Valentines….whereever you are in this journey…find that place of joy in heart it is something we all need.My breast cancer was 3.8 on the her2 protein scale…I believe the highest number is 4…of course there is a margin of error. When I finished my year + of herceptin infusions(which for me were rough)Remission…survivor living without the weight of the fear these have been very difficult for me. I am normally very upbeat positive person…I have struggled with so much of this the past 5-6 months. I do still struggle with issues from treatment and have had 2 large reconstructive surgeries that I am still recovering from…..I keep waiting to have the energy to come back….where is it???
It seemed after the holidays I hit a real low….tears, fears, sadness, anger…..I do not know that this is normal…but I do not think it is abnormal. I took a break of trying to be so focused on trying to say I am in remission and I am getting back to normal. My son took a little visit to his Nanna and Papa’s and I focused on many things that for me help get my head around alllllllll that had happened to me, my son, my family etc. the past years. I suffer from lots of guilt ranging from being sick, needing help, not being able to be the Mother I wish to be etc. I read this book eat,pray,love…...as well I used many of the survival tactics I have always used throughout my life prayer, meditation, laughter, dancing, yoga etc. ! We all have resources that bring comfort and confidence to us and the strength to make it to the other side….whatever that resource may be….even a bucket of ice cream ???! At any rate, my days have moved forward and I had full body, brain and bone scans and I am and I am saying it loud in Remission. Does that mean forever??? No…but I can now speak it and not be afraid that this will make cancer come back…I am embracing my son and my days. Working through healing which with my Doctor’s help I have and feel that I can allow myself this time.
I had no idea how long this road would be and that really nothing is the going to be the same and cancer will always be a part of my life, but how and what will be my choice. With much prayer and encouragement my hope is to use it to make me stronger…I have endured much and those around me have as well…..fists up we will never give up. For a moment I was not certain that I could handle anything else “big” coming at me….truly this is what fear does to us. Get rid of the fear, what can it do but stiffle you anyway…..embrace the joy you have control and possibilites of embracing.
Boy when I blog I go and go….forgive me many times I write late at night….so my spelling etc. seems to need help…I cannot find spell check anyone???? Hope this helps someone…..it helps me!
The happiest of Valentines day..lets all find a way there..., 
1 comment)
08.22.08 - 
Thanks for your support -
When I say dance as a survival tactic….I do mean the funniest booty shaking head jerking dancing around…not anything I am ashamed of, but many may not wish to view…..turn up the music and just dance…..it is amazing the life you realize you have inside you….sometimes we need this reminder in a life with Cancer….great for caretakers and loved ones toooooo! I even got a disco light ball….dance Friday nights!